Right now I’m lukewarm. What keeps me up at night and summer 2022

I just impulsively bought a pair of vintage motorcycle boots on depop. 10 minutes ago exactly. I put my phone down after the purchase and tried to sleep. But I couldn’t sleep. Because then I started to think thoughts. And that never ends well does it. So I was thinking, and I came to the conclusion that I’ve been feeling very lukewarm.

Hello blog and it’s been a while.

I haven’t posted since right before the beginning of the summer, and I felt an almost suffocating immersion in July, and I’ve been in Japan for most of august. As I’m sitting here in my hotel room in Tokyo, at 1:30 am, I’ve been lying here and wondering. Wondering about the fact that the last summer of my life is about to end. Not literally as I’m not having suicidal ideations, but in the sense that next year I’m 18 and next year I will be at college? I hope? And I just can’t help but think that this summer, in these fleeting months I am feeling

lukewarm. It’s like the quiet and peaceful dread that comes before a storm. It’s both acceptance and denial. That this is my last year of being a kid. And this topic has honestly been the only thing on my mind, preventing me from turning my brain off and fighting to keep me up at night. But besides that, I’ll write about how I’ve been living this summer, since of course you’re all dying to know the my inner workings of my world.

July:

In July I had an experience that will forever live in time as that July, and it will never exist in that way ever again. It seemed a bit nonsensical the way I formed such intimate bonds with people in such an immersive world for a mere 4 weeks. I’m not going into deep detail about my July but I did a show with lots of people I’ve never met before and they left just as fast as they came. I felt like I was put in a pressure cooker, and as the walls closed in on us tighter, we invested ourselves deeper into each other. It was also something completely new for me, and I felt that July was transformative for me in subtle ways that I hope to carry with me.

My week in the Japanese countryside :

I haven’t been back to japan in 3 years. I used to be completely fluent in Japanese. I had those yearly trips to refresh my bilingual brain, but once Covid hit and my mother was the only person I would speak to in Japanese, it felt like parts of it slipped from my mind entirely. Those 3 years I didn’t go to japan I fell into summers of behavior I’m not particularly proud of. I’ve been in japan for almost 2 weeks now (one in the countryside one in Tokyo) and when I was in the countryside I had to participate in a religious holiday called お盆. This is where you visit the family graveyard and welcome your ancestors back into your home. Lots of ghosts and ancient rituals. And while the ghosts of my ancestors were invited back into my family home, I had to pray. And every time I prayed I couldn’t do it. I would just sit there with my hands together and not a thought in my brain. And I felt guilty. I wonder if my samurai ancestors know that one of their descendants is a half white bitch posted up on bedford ave with a kombucha and is gabbing on about dissociative feminism or whatever. But I can’t help it. And I hope that they know I can’t help it.

That was my week of being religious and wholesome. Now I’m in Tokyo and I fucking adore Tokyo.

I needed to write something, so this is what I wrote. These disclaimers feel useless at this point but these are all just my ramblings. I post so sporadically because when I write it comes from an impulse to spill words from my brain. I feel cathartic in this moment.

Ps. Im really considering switching to substack because this blog shit is getting frustrating. I have one but it’s confusing to navigate so maybe once I get back to New York I’ll fully invest in moving all of my pieces. However we might have to sacrifice the visual mixtapes which makes me very sad since I love those. Xooxoxox emi